When we can process how we feel,
we can think more clearly about how to act.
011: Trauma and Separation
It has been thirty years ago since my first epiphany. I was in my late thirties and had already been written off as a hopeless ideologist by my family. My younger sister by 7 years already had an established ‘business as usual’ lifestyle. When I started to feel the vision of a new era growing inside me, with sustainability at its heart, I found it particularly difficult to tell them, especially my mother, as I was apprehensive as to how they would react.
The campaign went quite smoothly and I did everything I could to prepare myself for a new era (including educating myself about the science) but from my point of view as a woman, when it happened it was quite traumatic.
First I was disappointed to be told at a late stage that we needed emergency measures as the world was ailing fast, our values all upside down, topsy-turvey.
Then, very quickly, came the diagnosis of a rare life-threatening condition (CO2 with methanesia) which necessitated an urgent re-examination, facts whisked off to a faraway summit for an emergency convention to decide on crisis plan. I was left, traumatised, isolated, paralysed by fear, on my own for 5 days, surrounded by day to day trivialities and others who in their oblivion still had their hope and joy intact.
I had decided I wanted to do my best and was offered the possibility of nurturing my vision from a distance, but I managed to produce very little.
When we reconnected with our vision some time later, I tried my best to give my all to developing and nurturing it again but was somehow still unable to produce enough energy, and had to resort to supplementing my efforts with sleep and self-care. I struggled on like this for about three weeks but eventually had to give up. I felt terribly inadequate and guilty; not only had we failed the world which now faced a life-threatening physical defect but also because I couldn’t even make up for that by giving enough of myself to help it get better.
At the time I felt like a total failure as far as custodianship of the earth is concerned.